Eternal Activist- a nonstop journey!

protestYou must have seen him, his pictures or read about him. He is the guy who is always being dragged by police, water sprayed, blocking roads, tying himself to trees and in the back of a police vehicle. Or you might have seen him protesting against protestors at city hall for raising minimum wage.

How did he become “him”? Could it be that the first seeds of protest were sowed when his 5 month pregnant mother was protesting against Vietnam war? Or could it be at the very moment when his father was rebelling against the machine by smoking a big fat joint smack in the middle of town square. It could also be when his mother decided to go topless at a public beach to protest against double standards for men and women at a public beach. But this man would never talk about his own journey while there are some 7,432 active issues involving humanity, animals, reptiles, environment and increasing incidence of cancer in south Pacific Hammerhead shark.

He remembers his first protest in middle school. He protested against beatings by class bully, after being encouraged by his mother. The bully beat him more, he protested more and at some point, after being beaten for almost a year it stopped. Bully probably got bored. But activist realized that protests do work although a little bit late. His mother celebrated this as his victory because he had succeeded in changing the aggressor without changing his own character.

He protested more in high school. He protested against meat in cafeteria, against milk in support of lactose intolerant, against religion, against cold war, against school mascot, against funding for football program and for saving turtles in Madagascar, seals in Sweden, for rights of Aborigines in Australia and Roma in Europe. At times he was protesting so much that he was hardly attending any classes. This resulted in expulsion which resulted in another fierce protest.

But he finally realized his true calling in college. He protested for Marijuana, against easy availability of alcohol on campus, for condom vending machines and against racial undertones of 18th century English literature. He climbed rooftops and refused to come down till Japan apologized to China for their atrocities. He chained himself to a tree to protest against honey industry and their inhuman treatment of bees. He taped himself to movie theater seats to protest against too much sex and violence in main stream media. He also protested outside the movie theater for not showing a banned movie with excessive violence.

He was known to protest right in the middle of a class if a white professor used the word black. He protested against the color of blackboard being black. He protested against police brutality but also against gun rights. He protested when rapper, “$-DOG” was not allowed to present his poetry to middle schoolers with lyrics like “bros before hos, my bitch ain’t no ho and kill the ho”. He wanted middle schoolers to decide what they want to hear rather than machine telling them what to do.   To be continued…

Small Town-World View (My Cousin Series)

Some of the things that Private, MS and my cousin discussed were world issues. As this was 1970’s small town with no Internet or TV, everything was hearsay. The fact that they had never ventured more than 50 miles of our town, did not read newspapers or listened to someone who was even remotely informed resulted in very interesting observations:

There definitely would be a world war III. India and Russia would be on one side and Pakistan, America, China and England would be on other side (these were constantly changing alliances and there was no reasoning behind it). We will win because Lord Hanumanjee is on our side and Russians are 7 feet tall.

Never eat meat! If you do, you will immediately become a Muslim and becoming Hindu again will be very difficult. Once you become a Muslim, they will cut your penis (this was their understanding of circumcision). Do you want to be a penisless Muslim?

Japan is a great country to be a schoolboy. You don’t have to read any books. You just make radios in school and TV’s in high school.

Never marry a Luzkrakter (Loose character). Never fall in love with a Sikh or Muslim girl. Their families will kill you.

Never marry a very beautiful woman because all your friends then are not visiting “you”.

Never marry an ugly woman. Your own children will be scared of her and you will have ugly children.

Bengalis are brainy but weak. Gujaratis are good businessmen but cowards (Gandhi never beat one Firangi). All south Indians are Madrassis and all they eat is rice. Always respect a fat man because they generally represent good families and are wealthy. If stereotyping was an art form these were the greatest artists of times.

All white people were from America, England and Germany. I tried to tell them that I have heard about countries such as Switzerland, Sweden, Denmark etc. They would immediately dismiss me. “We are talking about countries and you are talking about cities.”

When a girl says no, she means yes. Because that’s how they are!

If you want to find out if a girl is in love with you, all you have to do is shoulder bump her. If she smiles at you, she is in love with you. The details after that were sketchy but it involved giving a love letter as soon as possible. Because if you delay that part, someone else might shoulder bump her and she might become someone else’s.

Never trust or follow a person with toes in the back and heel in front. They are ghosts.

Conversations with a Jihadi

Me: How are you doing! Thanks for talking to me.

J: Infidel! Come to the point. I have rockets to fire and IED’s to place. Me and my Jihadi brothers are under attack everywhere.

M: But why do you want to do such things?

J: Infidels need to be stopped. They are killing our brothers in Somalia, Syria and Disneyland.

M: I am very sad to hear that. I am also very sad about what happened in Paris. Should a Cartoonist be killed for a cartoon?

J: Well, you know how French are, killing and raping our brothers.

M: That does not sound right. No matter how weird French are but raping brothers might be a stretch. Why do people fear your radical ideology so much?

J: I have no idea why anyone will fear us. Just because we carry rocket launchers, blow ourselves up when mood strikes and are trying to run over all of Middle East! But you know how they are! Killing our brothers in Madagascar.

M: Who are “they”?

J: You know Americans, Chinese, Russians, British, French, Christians, Hindus, Jews, Buddhists, Sikhs, gays, lesbians, transgenders, Arabs, Turks, whites, blacks, browns, yellows, colorless ones and those blue ones who live on another planet. You know how they are!

M: Why do you expect people to support you when you are committing inhuman crimes?

J: We feel everyone is supporting us. Do you want to give me name and exact address of someone who is not supporting us?

M: But don’t you think that the world order you want to establish is medieval and frankly cruel. It treats women as secondary citizens and has inhuman punishments.

J: I agree they are not citizens of any class and should serve men only. Do you want to use a rocket launcher? Trust me, it is crazy fun.

M: Thanks again but I am good. What about cutting hands for theft?

J: I agree it is wrong. Their heads should be cut.

M: Why should a woman need to have 4 witnesses to prove rape?

J:I agree it is unfair. They should need 10. Do you want to blow a bridge?

M: What drives you?

J: Toyota pick ups mostly though sometimes we get Hummers. Is that an iphone6? Can I see it?

M: I mean..

J: Do you want to exchange this phone for a rocket launcher?

M: No, I have no use for a rocket launcher. Why would anyone shoot Malala?

J: She is an American agent, works for Mossad and still unmarried at 13. You know how they are! You sure you don’t want a rocket launcher!

M: Do you realize that 99.9% of the world including people from faith you claim to represent don’t support you.

J: Infidel, I must warn you that you are entering serious blasphemy territory. I will declare a fatwa so fast you won’t even know what hit you.

M: I am sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you.

J: But, you did!  You uncircumcised, non rocket- firing, non-bridge blowing bastard! Leave now.

A Search For New Gods!

MODI2As if having millions of gods and goddesses was not enough, we have added few more. Let no worshipper be left behind! There should be no one who cannot find an exclusive god of his/her own. This also represents ultimate in recycling as you can always recycle gods. Here are the latest gods:

PM Modi: A man who won an election. But this apparently resulted in him being god to his millions of followers. He can do no wrong. He started life on earth, discovered sun, invented sunlight, killed dinosaurs so we can live and in free time invented internet, uterus and Mt Everest. He works very hard, tweets, takes selfies and has had his pictures taken with every major world leader. He leads a right wing party that has some path breaking ideas. These include beef ban, criminalizing homosexuality, encouraging hindu women to have more and more children and undertaking extra-judicial killings.

MODI3

If you ever make the mistake of criticizing, challenging or questioning him you will be attacked by his rabid followers with bayonets drawn. A temple was being built for him by his followers. But he being a real nice type god, asked them not to (off course as always land grab was the real motive). In exchange his followers insisted that he change clothes three times a day and never wear the same clothes again. And he does not! It must be hurting him from inside as he really leads a poor country.

godseGodse: He is a symbol of our tolerance and universal love for all life forms. Incidentally he was also the guy who shot and killed Gandhi. But that should not deny him godliness. That would be too narrow-minded. A temple was being built for him as well. But some local ignorants did not allow it. The right-wing Hindu groups claim that he in fact killed Gandhi to save millions from being killed. Only God..Godse knows which millions he was saving by killing an old unarmed feeble man. Remember Godse is a god with 2 extra letters! It takes a saint to embrace a killer. We have all achieved sainthood now.

lalithaJayalalitha: Most powerful goddess of all. If not, definitely the richest. Currently in prison for corruption (you know how Jesus sacrificed himself. She chose going to jail). Proud owner of 6000 pair of shoes, 20000 sarees and so much gold jewelery that Nepal uses her as gold reserve. Amma to her followers, at least 5 of them commit suicide every time they charge her with corruption or she goes to jail. Five more commit suicide out of joy when she gets out of prison. She was also a movie star and “very close” to a very powerful politician who was somewhat married. But such things only matter to humans. Gods and goddesses are above all such things. She in fact does have temples where she is worshipped.

mayaMayawati: Another goddess who arose from humble beginnings. Again she does many things for her followers. These include building massive marble elephants. Why does she do that? May be she sees happiness and joy in elephants or that elephant is her political party symbol. The tax payers seem to love such cute little gestures.

Mars, Baba, Untouchable and Science

mythologyAt this time even PM is upset. He confronts right wingers. What exactly do you want? They remind him that he is one of them. Now just because he has become a PM, he should not talk about nonsense like science, secularism and all being equal etc. But how will I run the country? I have made promises to voters. Country will do well if you can find a way to get rid of minorities or make laws to convert them all to our religion. PM has decided to change his shirt to a pacifist white.

Baba now informs that Pandit would not share the same space with untouchable. He wants everything washed with gangajal (water from holy river Ganges). Minister of higher education informs that women’s rights groups want a very qualified scientist to be on the mission. The scientist unfortunately happens to be a woman. Baba would definitely not allow a woman on the mission. This could lead to lustful ideas. What if she wears lust inducing clothes.

But feminists want a woman. Baba goes wild. Are those the women who …you know…with other women. No, those are lesbians. Feminists are just asking for equal rights. This somewhat calmed Baba though he still could not understand what more women want. They are driving and voting already.

The committee meets again. It appears male scientist will have to be bumped off the mission. They need a minority. But Pandit feels “they” can never be trusted. What if “they” hijack the rocket and land in our eternal enemy country. Scientist has even stopped pretending that anything he says matters. Baba encourages Pandit that may be he can carry out a religious conversion of minority to majority during the mission. It will be a successful mission if he can. Pandit is somewhat happy. He insists that woman will have to live separately. She also better not have menses because that will contaminate the whole mission.

During this minister of higher education has been keeping a low profile. She is very sensitive to her lack of higher education. In fact she has pretty much no education. She had been made minister for playing a traditional housewife on a long running soap opera. At one time she claimed that she had a degree from Yale but when she called it Yalley it got exposed mercilessly. She came with a wonderful idea. What if we upgrade untouchable to Pandit just for the mission. We can change his last name to a Pandit type name. As soon as we get back, we will demote him back to dalit. Pandit blew up. Are you telling me that anyone can be put in the same category as me. God makes Pandits, China makes everything else.

PM is now realizing that when you sleep with devil, sooner or later devil will ask for a blowjob. He just sits there with his head down while Baba, Pandit and minister go about the business of ruining…err.. running science and country.

Religious Nutheads ( Opiumed Out)

nutheadsThis particular species is found in all societies and geographic locations. In some areas it has grown too quickly (with political/religious patronage) causing depletion of spiritual resources for other species such as atheists and secular ones. It is fairly easy to spot them. They show following characteristics:

When confronted about their extreme views, they get personal and downright rude fast. Even if you try to pet them or reason with them, they will bite you. They are almost like communists on steroids with religion being the opium rather than ideology.

They use words such as theology, spirituality, enlightenment, empowerment and scriptures frequently. Pay no attention! Under all this lurks their disdain for other religions.

They have no sense of humor. If you ever want to share a joke, you have to clarify both before and after the joke, that it is a joke. Even then you might still get a blank face.

Everything is all doom and gloom. The other religion is growing too fast. Our people are being persecuted.

They always feel attacked. The list of attackers include other religions, media, traitors from own religion, seculars, women asking for equal rights, gay and lesbian mafia, printed media, electronic media, social media, artists, movies, cartoons, Internet and mutant ninjas.

Always remember it is you who is ignorant, ill informed and not aware of your own glorious religious history. These souls have mastered it all. They feel very secure in their collective ignorance. Trying to argue with them is like trying to cross a Zebra with a Buffalo.

If you are questioning your own religion’s extreme right, then you will be confronted with following:

-Why don’t you attack other religions?

-You have an identity crisis. You are frustrated.

-Let us try to educate you. All the answers are in our scriptures already.

-They will direct you to specific websites created by even more dedicated nutheads. Anything you use as a reference is a “Marxist, leftist, western, eastern, southern, northern, central, unethical, capitalist and gay propaganda”.

-They constantly fear that they will be killed, ruled or enslaved by another religion. Statistically their chances of dying from cholesterol are higher.

-They will try to save you from yourself..by converting you. They can offer heaven, direct path to god and some other freebies that even god himself cannot offer.

Please do not startle them with science, facts or stats. They have lost distinction between science and mythology long ago. If you are a woman, don’t even bother!

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Sensibilities-times we live in!

Every single day I find myself a victim of multiple assaults on my sensibilities. There are movies, news, cartoons and comedies that are offensive. In these times our religion, god and country are all under attack all the time. A lot of these things are simply being created to cause hurt and assault our sensibilities.

The attacks are relentless. If you turn your computer on, go to Internet, go to you tube, find a website called AIB, find the video and assault is sitting right there. How do you escape such spontaneous attacks! You are looking at tweets and someone posted an unflattering picture of your god. What can you do? The assault has happened. You went to a movie and they made fun of your god. Everyone is laughing but you are offended. What can you do? The assault has happened. I tell you there is not a single thing you can do. I am sure you feel as helpless as me.

There are things we can do to protect ourselves. When our car stops at red light and those annoying dirty begging children come and knock on our windows, we are ready. We have  windows that we can close. When we read about a minor girl who was raped in newspaper, we are smart enough to jump to next page because we were ready. But how do we avoid those spontaneous assaults. Why would they make fun of a Politician or a religious head and hurt their follower’s feelings. I understand it is democracy but that does not mean you can assault someone’s sensibilities.

The concept of freedom of expression is not needed in well controlled societies. We should have a list which clearly labels clear list of things which are offensive. The list should be maintained regularly and have input from religious heads and government officials. Once we have all agreed on such a list, we should be able to use it for purpose of humor and such. If someone still finds a joke offensive, we should have the grace to take it off from the list.

Should we have Humor at the cost of offending someone’s sensibilities? I am sure you will agree with me that answer is a resounding NO. We can all live without humor but if our sensibilities are offended the life become a worthless rot.