Eternal Activist- a nonstop journey!

protestYou must have seen him, his pictures or read about him. He is the guy who is always being dragged by police, water sprayed, blocking roads, tying himself to trees and in the back of a police vehicle. Or you might have seen him protesting against protestors at city hall for raising minimum wage.

How did he become “him”? Could it be that the first seeds of protest were sowed when his 5 month pregnant mother was protesting against Vietnam war? Or could it be at the very moment when his father was rebelling against the machine by smoking a big fat joint smack in the middle of town square. It could also be when his mother decided to go topless at a public beach to protest against double standards for men and women at a public beach. But this man would never talk about his own journey while there are some 7,432 active issues involving humanity, animals, reptiles, environment and increasing incidence of cancer in south Pacific Hammerhead shark.

He remembers his first protest in middle school. He protested against beatings by class bully, after being encouraged by his mother. The bully beat him more, he protested more and at some point, after being beaten for almost a year it stopped. Bully probably got bored. But activist realized that protests do work although a little bit late. His mother celebrated this as his victory because he had succeeded in changing the aggressor without changing his own character.

He protested more in high school. He protested against meat in cafeteria, against milk in support of lactose intolerant, against religion, against cold war, against school mascot, against funding for football program and for saving turtles in Madagascar, seals in Sweden, for rights of Aborigines in Australia and Roma in Europe. At times he was protesting so much that he was hardly attending any classes. This resulted in expulsion which resulted in another fierce protest.

But he finally realized his true calling in college. He protested for Marijuana, against easy availability of alcohol on campus, for condom vending machines and against racial undertones of 18th century English literature. He climbed rooftops and refused to come down till Japan apologized to China for their atrocities. He chained himself to a tree to protest against honey industry and their inhuman treatment of bees. He taped himself to movie theater seats to protest against too much sex and violence in main stream media. He also protested outside the movie theater for not showing a banned movie with excessive violence.

He was known to protest right in the middle of a class if a white professor used the word black. He protested against the color of blackboard being black. He protested against police brutality but also against gun rights. He protested when rapper, “$-DOG” was not allowed to present his poetry to middle schoolers with lyrics like “bros before hos, my bitch ain’t no ho and kill the ho”. He wanted middle schoolers to decide what they want to hear rather than machine telling them what to do.   To be continued…

A Search For New Gods!

MODI2As if having millions of gods and goddesses was not enough, we have added few more. Let no worshipper be left behind! There should be no one who cannot find an exclusive god of his/her own. This also represents ultimate in recycling as you can always recycle gods. Here are the latest gods:

PM Modi: A man who won an election. But this apparently resulted in him being god to his millions of followers. He can do no wrong. He started life on earth, discovered sun, invented sunlight, killed dinosaurs so we can live and in free time invented internet, uterus and Mt Everest. He works very hard, tweets, takes selfies and has had his pictures taken with every major world leader. He leads a right wing party that has some path breaking ideas. These include beef ban, criminalizing homosexuality, encouraging hindu women to have more and more children and undertaking extra-judicial killings.

MODI3

If you ever make the mistake of criticizing, challenging or questioning him you will be attacked by his rabid followers with bayonets drawn. A temple was being built for him by his followers. But he being a real nice type god, asked them not to (off course as always land grab was the real motive). In exchange his followers insisted that he change clothes three times a day and never wear the same clothes again. And he does not! It must be hurting him from inside as he really leads a poor country.

godseGodse: He is a symbol of our tolerance and universal love for all life forms. Incidentally he was also the guy who shot and killed Gandhi. But that should not deny him godliness. That would be too narrow-minded. A temple was being built for him as well. But some local ignorants did not allow it. The right-wing Hindu groups claim that he in fact killed Gandhi to save millions from being killed. Only God..Godse knows which millions he was saving by killing an old unarmed feeble man. Remember Godse is a god with 2 extra letters! It takes a saint to embrace a killer. We have all achieved sainthood now.

lalithaJayalalitha: Most powerful goddess of all. If not, definitely the richest. Currently in prison for corruption (you know how Jesus sacrificed himself. She chose going to jail). Proud owner of 6000 pair of shoes, 20000 sarees and so much gold jewelery that Nepal uses her as gold reserve. Amma to her followers, at least 5 of them commit suicide every time they charge her with corruption or she goes to jail. Five more commit suicide out of joy when she gets out of prison. She was also a movie star and “very close” to a very powerful politician who was somewhat married. But such things only matter to humans. Gods and goddesses are above all such things. She in fact does have temples where she is worshipped.

mayaMayawati: Another goddess who arose from humble beginnings. Again she does many things for her followers. These include building massive marble elephants. Why does she do that? May be she sees happiness and joy in elephants or that elephant is her political party symbol. The tax payers seem to love such cute little gestures.

Mars, Baba, Untouchable and Science

mythologyAt this time even PM is upset. He confronts right wingers. What exactly do you want? They remind him that he is one of them. Now just because he has become a PM, he should not talk about nonsense like science, secularism and all being equal etc. But how will I run the country? I have made promises to voters. Country will do well if you can find a way to get rid of minorities or make laws to convert them all to our religion. PM has decided to change his shirt to a pacifist white.

Baba now informs that Pandit would not share the same space with untouchable. He wants everything washed with gangajal (water from holy river Ganges). Minister of higher education informs that women’s rights groups want a very qualified scientist to be on the mission. The scientist unfortunately happens to be a woman. Baba would definitely not allow a woman on the mission. This could lead to lustful ideas. What if she wears lust inducing clothes.

But feminists want a woman. Baba goes wild. Are those the women who …you know…with other women. No, those are lesbians. Feminists are just asking for equal rights. This somewhat calmed Baba though he still could not understand what more women want. They are driving and voting already.

The committee meets again. It appears male scientist will have to be bumped off the mission. They need a minority. But Pandit feels “they” can never be trusted. What if “they” hijack the rocket and land in our eternal enemy country. Scientist has even stopped pretending that anything he says matters. Baba encourages Pandit that may be he can carry out a religious conversion of minority to majority during the mission. It will be a successful mission if he can. Pandit is somewhat happy. He insists that woman will have to live separately. She also better not have menses because that will contaminate the whole mission.

During this minister of higher education has been keeping a low profile. She is very sensitive to her lack of higher education. In fact she has pretty much no education. She had been made minister for playing a traditional housewife on a long running soap opera. At one time she claimed that she had a degree from Yale but when she called it Yalley it got exposed mercilessly. She came with a wonderful idea. What if we upgrade untouchable to Pandit just for the mission. We can change his last name to a Pandit type name. As soon as we get back, we will demote him back to dalit. Pandit blew up. Are you telling me that anyone can be put in the same category as me. God makes Pandits, China makes everything else.

PM is now realizing that when you sleep with devil, sooner or later devil will ask for a blowjob. He just sits there with his head down while Baba, Pandit and minister go about the business of ruining…err.. running science and country.

Corruption 1-800 Toll Free

corruption

It is not a problem in Kolkata!

Recently a state government in India started a 1-800 number for reporting any corruption/bribery that a citizen is facing. In the wonderful world of organized corruption that India has, this is equivalent to reporting a dog bite to a Crocodile. You are essentially reporting corruption to most corrupt of them all, the government.

corruption1Here is one of the first complaints:

Citizen: I would like to report a case of corruption please.

Toll Free: Please state your name, your father’s name, caste, DOB and address.

C: Why do you need all this? Is it not supposed to be anonymous?

T: Yes, it will remain anonymous. But we need information. Besides we already know who you are and where you live. We scan all calls.

C: I am being asked for a bribe by junior engineer for providing me with water connection.

T: What is his name, father’s name, caste, DOB and address?

C: How am I supposed to know all these things?

T: Well government cannot work if you do not provide us information. Please go to engineer and ask all these questions.

C: But if I ask him all these questions he would know that I am complaining about bribe.

T:Well..next time please try to have this information. Do you at least know what office does he work at?

C:That I can tell you.

T: Hold on please!  (after 5 minutes) Well..I have engineer on the other line now.

C: What do you mean you have him on other line. You are not supposed to tell him.

T: May be you can settle your differences right here. Do you know that both of you belong to same caste. Engineer looks like a reasonable man. If it goes to his higher-ups, you might have to pay even more.

C: I don’t want to report anything now. If I do I will never get a connection.

T: In that case Government is thankful for your time and concerns. You might or might not get a survey in few days about how we did. Please do not waste your or our time as nobody will read them. If you want to complain about us, you can call this number again. But we will not take another complain from the same person till the first complain has been resolved. We also feel that if someone is complaining too much, problem might lie with them. In that case government will file a case against you for wasting our time.

C: Is it some kind of a joke?

T:No sir, it is just your government at work!

 

Mars today; Sun tomorrow but Politics first!

parliamentPM went back to his party and PR team to figure out how to deal with this new challenge.  The right wingers felt nostalgic about times when a Pandit did not have to explain anything to anybody. Now all this democracy, parliament and press! What has the world come to?

Party decided that it is important to keep Dalits (suppressed) happy as they have 2 state elections approaching where they have significant votes. “Let’s increase it to 3 people so that we can have Panditjee, Scientist guy and Dalit dude on the mission to Mars”.

PM went back to Parliament with this new offer. The opposition again went into frenzy. As they had already ripped and torn what could be damaged, they came with some new ideas to protest. They got on top of each other and tried to rip down chandeliers and ceiling fans. They also got to center of house and asked each other such questions as “What kind of bastard are you”? They dared each other that if they ever had a drop of milk from their mother’s breast now is the time to prove it. Almost 400 of finest were raising their concerns at the same time in raised voices. The vibrant democracy was in full swing.

MP’s from Tamil Nadu immediately contacted their leader who was in prison for corruption to take guidance and blessings. They were even prostrating while talking to Amma on phone. Telugu and Telangana MP’s also represented their states well by hitting each other hard. Communists got into a formation and started shouting anti-poverty and anti-rich slogans at the same time. Gujaratis did not want to miss this opportunity either. They started taking bets about who will lose the fight. MP’s from Punjab did not know what Mars was and who to hit.

Multiple Bollywood star turned MP’s assumed an expression of disgust. Their lack of acting skills though was even more apparent here. They were surrounded by people playing “good guys” and leaders for years 24/7. The Shyaar (poet) started writing few  hard-hitting, gut wrenching and soul piercing lines to represent this decline of human values. Someone just threw his notebook away and him along with it.

Baba/Sadhvi immediately declared it as an attack on majority religion. The minority leader threatened to secede if their voices were not heard. Maha-dalits were very angry as everybody was talking only about Dalits. Their leader was somewhat confused though. He had changed parties so many times that he did not remember if he is supposed to applaud or protest. The Diva immediately realized that there were no photographers around and there was no point being here. She left to find some reporters and photographers.

PM held his head in his hands. He decided to go and change in the second sets of clothes for the day. To represent the day, he will have a saffron kurta (shirt), white pants and lime green sleeveless jacket. He will throw a red shawl on his right shoulder. The party president immediately left for cafeteria where you can eat what you want for $0.5, paid by tax payer off course.

First Indian on Mars

As the country enters 21st century (we have been entering it for last 16 years), India under its new right-wing leadership has decided to become first country to land a man on Mars. Though no plan, technology, personnel or resources exist, PM claimed “with this plan to put a man on Mars, India has become a super-power”. To celebrate this achievement he wore a golden suit (literally made with gold fibers) with platinum lettering announcing his own name.

After this as a token of his solidarity with “common man” he ate a simple super heavily subsidized meal for $0.5 and the bill was posted on Twitter/FB/Instagram/YouTube/metro/buses/railway and cave where Yeti lives. This will help common man to bond with PM and understand that he is not all about super complicated science stuff. PM indeed is a humble man who seeks no publicity for himself. But what can you do about “common man” who loves him so much and posted the bill all over.

A new poster “Mars today, Sun tomorrow’ was released. PM dared young generation to dream big and start preparing for landing on Sun. The knowledge is already there ” in our scriptures”.

The world’s greatest scientific body, Indian Science Congress (also known as national retarded congress) congratulated PM for taking the initiative to reclaim Mars. Our ancestors had landed there thousands of years ago as clearly documented in scriptures.. Landing on Sun should also not be a problem. Lord Sun god had impregnated Kunti long ago with a baby without sex.

When a reporter asked why should mythology be used as basis for spending government money, PM answered that science and mythology are like two brothers and should work together. His supporters started chanting “science! science! science!” All other questions were drowned in this noise.

The government has declared it “Mars-conquest” day. A plastic model rocket shaped like a trifork (trishul) was presented to media as evidence that PM indeed is serious. The Indian space agency will launch this project under direct supervision of baba guru shri 1008 Kamdev. Though illetrate, baba’s blessings and guidance will be critical for the success of the mission.

The project will also benefit from inspiring leadership of minister of higher education, who despite only high school education, has some cutting edge ideas. These include tying a black thread to the rocket to protect it from bad spirits, having incense smelling fuel and sticking a Ganeshjee at the front of Rocket. When challenged by one (out of line) scientist  that there are no spirits, the minister turned the tables on him by asking “can you prove they don’t exist”. The party’s ultra right wing supporters could not believe how sharp she was, despite being a woman.

Incidentally scientist was later on transferred to “sheep and wool department” where as a well-trained rocket scientist, he persuades sheep to mate.              To be continued…