My Gym Partner!

bad luckAs I am still waiting for Physician’s clearance, I have decided to do something. The Yoga and cycling thing was a disaster. I feel going back to gym might be my best option. At least I can do what I want to do.

Luckily I have a partner now. My new buddy from Yoga class was performing so poorly that even his wife was embarrassed. I feel it is safe to say that Yoga types gave up on him before he gave up on them. Since we both are kind of new to this whole exercise thing, we decided to expand our group and add another person (more on that later).

I got a chance to find out more about my new friend. It appears my friend has had a series of tough breaks. His parents did not want him and they tried to abort him. But by some miracle he survived. But just because he made it out of uterus, did not mean his luck improved any.

When he was 3, his father found out he was gay which led to a divorce. His mother felt scorned and just to prove that two can play the game, she also found a same-sex partner. He spent his childhood bouncing between two daddies, two mommies and 2 sets of boring heterosexual grandparents. Finally his mother realized she was straight and remarried which added a stepfather to the whole equation.

This lead to a lot of sexual confusion. He tried to find out who exactly he was. He tried to date both boys and girls. After some soul-searching and experimentation, he found out that he was straight.

He decided to celebrate this sexual awakening by going out with a group of friends. He wanted to go “steady” with one of the girls in the group. He hoped to make a connection. Unfortunately he got very drunk. In a drunken and almost blacked out moment of passion, he did “make a connection”. He made the connection to the wrong girl. Retrospectively he feels that he might be the first case of a male being taken advantage by a woman while intoxicated.

Long story short, the wrong girl called him few weeks later and gave him the good news.  My friend got so panicky that he passed out. The wrong girl took it as a sign that he was extremely happy about the fact that he was going to be a father. Since then his life has been a downhill slide. He is with a girl he did not even know, a child he does not want and her family pressurizing him to do the “right thing”.

I didn’t know what to say. So I said things like: it will get better, god is testing your faith, in the end it will be all worth it, light at end of tunnel, half full glass, sun coming out through clouds and worst is behind you. I told him it should not be difficult for two of you to take care of one little angle. It looks like I might have cheered him up. He started to relax.

He got a text. He held his head in hands. I asked him if everything is ok. He passed me his phone. He had a text from “wrong girl” with a U/S picture of twins and a message that said, “Twins baby! Luv you so much”. I am not sure what to say any more.  To be contd…

 

 

 

 

My Physical Trainer

PTFinally I have a trainer. After my disastrous entry in world of Yoga, I have realized Gym might be better. I must say now I firmly believe that matches are either made in heaven or in gym. I have seen this dude working out with people and he looks like a fairly relaxed guy. So I felt that my motivation levels might match his levels.

I approached him. But this time I did not want to make same mistake as I did with last trainer. I made sure that I should not leave any doubt that I am a very motivated and disciplined type person. I had read somewhere that if you keep on repeating same word again and again, you are more likely to be believed.

PT: You want to work out with me?

Me: I am very motivated.

PT: That’s great! How many times a week do you want to work out?

Me: I am so motivated that I might want to work out all 7 days a week. But since I have to work and you probably have things to do, maybe we can do once a week.

PT: I will suggest at least three times a week.

Me: Absolutely, 3 is better than 1.

PT: What kind of diet do you want to follow?

Me: I am so motivated that I might not eat/drink anything except protein bars and shakes. Is that ok with you.

So far he seems to believe every word that I say. I can always make excuses to cut it down to once a week once he accepts me. He asked me to follow him. We walked to rear end of the gym. He asked me to take my clothes off. I told him that I am flattered but I am not into these kinds of things. He gave me a hurt look (could have been a puzzled look). “How am I going to measure you then”? This is getting awkward real fast.

Me: Oh..I am so sorry. I hope you did not think…..

PT: No! No! It is not my role to judge.

Me: No! Oh my God! No..I thought you were….

PT: Jesus! No..I have many friends who are…oh god…I will never judge anyone..

Me: Me too. I will die or go on a diet before judging…(in a panic and thinking how can I revive the situation) It is nothing new for me. People ask me to take my clothes all the time. (shut up now. you can only make it worse). I am sure you also take your clothes off all the time. Ha-ha (SHUT UP NOW).

PT: No, in fact nobody does. Remember, I am a Physical trainer not an exotic dancer.

Now this whole thing has a very strange feel to it. Did he think I think he is…Did he think? He tells me he respects all his clients regardless. I told him I hardly respect anyone (why did you have to say that). I mean I respect physical trainers regardless (please shut up now).

I think everything is going well. He then drops a bomb. “When did you see your regular doc last time”? Where is this son of a gun going with this one? I told him that I frankly don’t believe in going to doctors. My Grandfather lived till 94 and the only reason he lived so long was that he never went to a doctor. “I will need a clearance from your doctor. It looks like you have been living a very sedentary life.” I told him that I walk up one flight of stairs every morning, all 9 stairs. He does not want to hear anything.

So, now this is a big cluster fu**. I need to see a doctor to be able to work out with second physical trainer after being rejected by first. I am clearly not cut out for Yoga and my life coach is a drug dealer. I am living the freaking dream.   To be continued…

 

Weight Loss- My Experiments with Yoga

yogaAfter my misadventures with gym, physical trainer and life coach I have decided to cast a bigger net. I saw a flyer in mail for a yoga place. I carefully studied it. This is something that I feel is made for me. It offered “our mindful meditation classes are 30-45 min sessions and includes a light yoga , a mindful reading with then 20 mins of quiet”. I did not understand the whole thing but it looks like a lot of lying down doing nothing. This is my kind of thing. I immediately signed up.

I arrived at Yoga center. It was filled with Yoga types with yoga pants, workout mats, water bottles etc. I off course arrived completely unprepared. Yoga types are kind people though. They gave me a mat and some towels. I asked them where do I have to sleep so we can have this thing done super-fast. The yoga types just smiled.

Within 5 minutes I realized that there is something wrong. This is not definitely anything they described. I might have signed up for “advanced Vinyasa Flow” which seems like hard-core stuff. They have also increased room temperature to 80. Rather than “light yoga stretch, a mindful reading with then 20 mins of quiet” that I was expecting this was “torture you to death in artificially heated hell”. I asked them to lower the temperature. This got me a stare from everybody. Apparently this temperature is intentional. Is anybody sane in here?

I must say these Yoga types are insane. They were doing kind of things that I would not wish upon my worst enemy. I was also out of sync with pretty much everyone else. Even pregnant women seem to be doing better than me. My only solace was another dude (class was 85% females) who seemed to have been dragged here by his pregnant wife. He was in absolute bad shape. Unfortunately he was right in front of me. This means every time we bent or something I was looking straight at his butt crack. This was adding more to overall nausea inducing environment. But at least I have someone to look down upon and judge. The whole class kept on giving us this look “why are you here”?

I must apologize to all those, in whom I bumped into while doing some of these poses, especially to the elderly lady who fell down. She was very gracious though. She only cursed me couple of times. To be honest, half the time I was close to passing out. My ego won’t let me quit either. I was also fairly paranoid. I feel these Yoga types had intentionally changed my classes to torture me. Who knew that these yoga types could be so malicious?

At times they ask you to hold a pose and think about something pleasant. This must be a joke. I am almost passing out, looking at a butt crack and trying to hang on to last ounces of my dignity. All I can think about is how to make through next 60 seconds. I am also daydreaming about some kind of a twisted world in which I am the instructor and these people have to do what I ask them to do.

A Life Coach For Unmotivated

(This is a continuation of Weight loss series). Equipment guy gave me the number. He acted somewhat strange though. He shook my hand and slipped a paper in there. He also winked at me in a manner when people are sharing a special knowledge or secret. I didn’t know what else to do. I winked back at him.

I tried the number right away. It was a beeper. This was really strange but then what do I know about life coaches. May be they have unique methods. My phone rang right away. The voice said “who dat”? I told Whodat that this number has been given to me by equipment guy at gym. He asked me which gym. I told him. He asked me to describe equipment guy. I described him. Life coach was finally satisfied.

I told him about my problem with motivation. He asked me if I was recording him. I told him no. Why would I record you? He told me there are people who do such things and even wear wires. He also asked if I was police. This was a real strange life coach.

He told me he could help me with “motivation and shit”. He was already helping some people in that gym. I told him that I find him very easy to talk to. He does not have snobbery of other people who I have come across in this regard. I let him know that I was very thankful. When can I expect the letter? There was a pause. What kind of letter? I told him that physical trainer thinks I have motivation issue and I need to see a life coach. Now if he, as my life coach can give me a letter saying that I have great motivation and in fact it is the trainer who is a douchebag, that would be great. I would love to see expression on that Dbag’s face when I throw that letter on his desk.

There was a pause. Whodat asked me what has equipment guy told me. I informed him that he said good things and you are a life coach. He got somewhat angry. As per him life coaches and such things are waste of time. He exactly has something that could not only provide motivation but I can pump so much iron that I will be ripped in no time. At this time I got somewhat suspicious. I asked him if he was some kind of a drug dealer. Whodat slammed the phone.

I asked equipment guy what kind of number did he give me. He was even more miffed at me. He told me that he did me a favor and his friend is upset now. I told him that Whodat was no life coach and in fact sounded like a drug dealer. He asked me who is Whodat. I told him that’s how his friend introduced himself. The equipment guy did not say anything. He just turned around and left. Since then he has been not very friendly. I think time has come to change the gym.

Weight Loss-A Life Coach for Physical Trainer Reject

imageAs I had no idea what a life coach is, I did some intense research. I typed “life coach” in Google. It came up with “About 123,000,000 results (0.54 seconds)”. Now I am not a mathsy type but this looked like a big number. I narrowed it down further by adding my town’s name “About 700,000 results (0.50 seconds)”. Since I am not the kind of guy to waste time, I decided to call the first number that popped up.

Office: How can we help you?

Me: I need a life coach as soon as possible.

O: Why do you need a LC? Are you in a crisis? May be you should call 911.

Me: I am fine. It is physical trainer who feels I need one.

O: Why does your trainer feels you need a LC?

Me: In fact he is not even my physical trainer. He rejected me. He feels I am not motivated.

O: Your physical trainer rejected you? I have never heard that before. (I can hear her in the background, calling everyone about “a guy who got rejected by a trainer”).

Me: I am also concerned that he might be spreading this information to other trainers.

O: So do you want to meet our psychologist and work towards overcoming barriers and improving motivation levels?

Me: Not really. All I need is a letter stating that I have great motivation levels and in fact it is the physical trainer who is a douchebag for doubting my motivation.

O: We can’t do that! We can work with you to overcome limitations and improve effort.

Me: I don’t need all that crap. I already have no limitations. All I need is a letter. In fact if you want, I will be more than happy to dictate it over the phone and pick it up in 30 minutes. I will pay off course.

O: I am sorry but we don’t do any such thing. Would you please hold on for a minute? (5 minute wait) I just checked with life coach. He will not be able to take you. We wish you all the best.

I can’t believe I have been rejected twice in 2 days. This weight loss thing is now complicated by no physical trainer and no life coach. Losing weight should not be this difficult. Is this the kind of world Washington and Lincoln wanted. Is this why Gandhi died? Is this the kind of world we are going to leave for Brad-Angelina’s children?

I have decided to try one more time. I have no faith in Google any more. I asked equipment guy in my gym if he knows some life coach kind of guy. He told me he knows someone who does shi* like that. I asked him if I can have his website address or office number. The equipment guy told me that this guy is old-fashioned and does not believe in websites and offices. But he promised to get me his number. I might have hit a jackpot here.    To be continued..

Weight Problem-2

After recovering from the trauma of knowing my own weight, I decided that it was time to take action. First thing I did was to put my clothes back on. I know what I need to do. Apparently all I have to do is eat right and exercise. Frankly speaking, both of them are fairly depressing options. But sometimes you have to do what you don’t want to do. I also went through “American thing” of blaming everyone else for my weight gain. These included abundant food, Internet, cars, attached car garages, aggressive food marketing and Madonna. I don’t know why I blamed her but I did. I was in that kind of mood. I am dangerous.

I might have to change my lifestyle a bit as well. Apparently eating unhealthy food, not exercising and spending long periods of time in bed makes you gain weight. I tried making a list of things that I will have to give up. These include burgers, fries, chips, ice cream, gulab jamun, paratha, chat, brownies, cookies, milk shakes….eventually I got tired and wrote “everything that is good”.

I went to fruit and vegetable section of whole foods. I was stuck by how many types of vegetables are there in this world. Not a single one of them looked remotely interesting. I asked the guy working there if they have a vegetable that is super healthy but tastes like chicken wings with extra buffalo sauce. He was very nice. Nice in the way that people are to mentally challenged people. I also asked him why everything that is supposed to be good is in boring green. He just smiled this time. I asked him does it matter if one eats veggies or just eats a veggie Pizza. This time he excused himself and just went away. This vegetable stuff is very nausea inducing for me. It is like trying to get a healthy heaven by nose-diving through a sewer.

I decided to go to gym regularly. As usual gym is full with people who are full of life and sometimes steroids. You have your usual Hulks lifting some inhuman amount of weight, women doing stretches so intense that I feel the pain, dudes who are like “totally awesome” and 85-year-old who has already beaten life expectancy to a pulp and seem to be planning for another 85 years.

The “type” I felt an immediate connection though was TV watchers. These brethren come to gym everyday and by some miracle have still not lost a single pound. You can see them rooted on the same bench watching TV every time you walk around. I wonder if some of these guys are there just to be away from their wives.

I have decided to break in gently. This means walking on a treadmill at a leisurely speed of 1 mile/hr. This allows one to watch TV without any distraction. I thought it was a great exercise but I will have to walk almost 2 hours to burn a skimmed latte. This is getting depressing by the minute.

Meanwhile right next to my treadmill is an elderly looking woman who is running at some insane speed. I am convinced that either she is an alien or a super-mutant. She gives me an encouraging smile and I give her kind of smile that you give to a super-mutant.

A Weighty problem!

imageAfter some time (months), I decided to undertake a dreaded activity. I went to gym. They were very happy to see me. I am the kind of client every business treasures. I pay regularly but never use their equipment, space or air. Somehow I feel more happy about being a member of a gym than really going there.

At this time I made a decision that was rather poor and will unfold a series of events over coming weeks and months. I climbed on a scale. It read 85. I was immediately worried that I have shrunk to 85 pounds. It turns out that these sadistic bastards are playing cruel jokes on people. These were 85 kgs which meant 187 pounds.

I decided to act. I took everything out of my pocket. The scale did not even move. I took of all my clothes off (nauseating..eh?) and climbed again. The scale moved..by 0.1 Ib. I tried few other things such as shaking the scale, climbing on the scale slowly, blowing out all air before climbing on the scale and trying to stand on one leg. Soon I realized that it did not change anything and a crowd had started to gather around me. Some of them were even texting their friends to come and watch this spectacle. It looks like a middle-aged naked man standing on one leg on a scale is not that common of a site.

I was really concerned…about this scale. A good gym should not have this kind of faulty equipment. I complained to the guy who was responsible for maintaining equipment. This was a cheerful man of rather large disposition. It appears that even working in a gym has not motivated him much. I had a feeling that he liked scales and gyms even less than me. He walked with me to the scale. He proceeded to step on scale himself. He was also shocked. As per him, it has to be wrong. How could he gain 3 pounds a week, 3 times in a row! He advised me to do some other things..such as emptying my bladder. I seriously doubted that I had 20 pounds in my bladder. However I always listen to professionals. The result was same.

I decided to take even more drastic measures. The weight had to be lost. I went to steam room as I was sure almost all of it was water. The equipment dude also promised to come back after 20 minutes. We met again, I had sweated profusely. My weight unfortunately stayed same. He weighed 3 pounds more. He got very angry at this point. The scale has to be incorrect because he only had a double pounder burger, large soda and fries. That can’t be 3 pounds! I don’t blame him for his math skills as he is American.

Long story short, we dragged another scale and my weight was exactly same. 187 Pounds (85 kgs). This gives me a BMI of 26.8, if I use the height I have been telling people for last 20 years and 27.6 if I use my real height. If I could just grow 3 more inches my BMI would drop to 25.4. I am determined…to grow those 3 more inches. I have read thousand times that nothing is impossible if you work towards it. I plan to work vertically towards those 3 inches.

Another problem that I am facing is that my ethnicity is working against me. The american BMI puts one overweight if BMI>25 and obese for BMI>30. However Indian ministry of nutrition labels you obese over >27.5. This is the kind of discrimination from your own that is very discouraging. Would it kill them to elevate BMI to WHO standards!  To be continued…