My Gym Partner!

bad luckAs I am still waiting for Physician’s clearance, I have decided to do something. The Yoga and cycling thing was a disaster. I feel going back to gym might be my best option. At least I can do what I want to do.

Luckily I have a partner now. My new buddy from Yoga class was performing so poorly that even his wife was embarrassed. I feel it is safe to say that Yoga types gave up on him before he gave up on them. Since we both are kind of new to this whole exercise thing, we decided to expand our group and add another person (more on that later).

I got a chance to find out more about my new friend. It appears my friend has had a series of tough breaks. His parents did not want him and they tried to abort him. But by some miracle he survived. But just because he made it out of uterus, did not mean his luck improved any.

When he was 3, his father found out he was gay which led to a divorce. His mother felt scorned and just to prove that two can play the game, she also found a same-sex partner. He spent his childhood bouncing between two daddies, two mommies and 2 sets of boring heterosexual grandparents. Finally his mother realized she was straight and remarried which added a stepfather to the whole equation.

This lead to a lot of sexual confusion. He tried to find out who exactly he was. He tried to date both boys and girls. After some soul-searching and experimentation, he found out that he was straight.

He decided to celebrate this sexual awakening by going out with a group of friends. He wanted to go “steady” with one of the girls in the group. He hoped to make a connection. Unfortunately he got very drunk. In a drunken and almost blacked out moment of passion, he did “make a connection”. He made the connection to the wrong girl. Retrospectively he feels that he might be the first case of a male being taken advantage by a woman while intoxicated.

Long story short, the wrong girl called him few weeks later and gave him the good news.  My friend got so panicky that he passed out. The wrong girl took it as a sign that he was extremely happy about the fact that he was going to be a father. Since then his life has been a downhill slide. He is with a girl he did not even know, a child he does not want and her family pressurizing him to do the “right thing”.

I didn’t know what to say. So I said things like: it will get better, god is testing your faith, in the end it will be all worth it, light at end of tunnel, half full glass, sun coming out through clouds and worst is behind you. I told him it should not be difficult for two of you to take care of one little angle. It looks like I might have cheered him up. He started to relax.

He got a text. He held his head in hands. I asked him if everything is ok. He passed me his phone. He had a text from “wrong girl” with a U/S picture of twins and a message that said, “Twins baby! Luv you so much”. I am not sure what to say any more.  To be contd…

 

 

 

 

My Physical

questionAfter waiting in waiting room, then in examination room and being grilled by his assassin of a nurse, good doctor showed up. He was a serious looking guy. He acknowledged my presence without even looking up with a curt node. He kept on looking at his papers with an expression of concern. I had a feeling he was trying to find some imperfection in my perfect physiology.

He had the kind of personality that will even find a way to ruin a twin delivery with something like, “Congratulations you have twins but they ate their 3rd sibling.”

He just kept on looking into these papers. Occasionally he will mumble an “hmm” or “oh”. What could it be that this great scholar had found out simply by looking into these papers? Finally he looked at me. He gave me a kind of quick look over that a customer gives a piece of meat at a deli.

I tried to break the ice by pointing out that his kids are very adorable. He looked somewhat puzzled. I pointed out to the picture on the wall. He told me they are not his children. It turns out that this was a UN poster for hunger among children. The kids were of 6 different races as well. I apologized sincerely. I am sure he thinks I am some kind of a smarty pants. I made a mental note of putting my glasses on next time.

He asked me a whole bunch of questions. They all would be considered a serious violation of me and my privacy if he was not a doctor. Their obsession with bodily fluids, cavities and orifices is second to none. He kept on asking me if I have seen blood in one or all of these areas.

Then he gave me the good news that I will have to undergo a lot of routine screening. I will be screened for diabetes, cholesterol, kidney disease, liver diseases and anemia. If I want he can check my prostate “good old-fashioned way”. To leave no doubt in my mind about what the “good old-fashioned” way was, he raised his index finger. I told him I don’t know what this particular organ is supposed to do but I am sure it is fine.

After this he went to give me a whole lot of advise about things which you are supposed to know by the time you come out of high school. Only in US, a doctor will be considered a “good doctor” by insurance companies for talking about it for 15 minutes and then checking 200 boxes and writing 4 pages about it. The advise went something like this:

Eat greens, wear a seat belt, stay hydrated, get enough fiber, exercise, lose weight, don’t text and drive, don’t eat and drive, don’t drink and drive, don’t fall asleep and drive, look for blood in urine/stool/spit/sputum, don’t have a seizure and drive, don’t drop dead while driving, get vaccines, take Aspirin, eat fish and have safe sex with strangers. I told him I am married. Is he advising me to have sex with strangers as long as it is protected? I also told him that my wife might not approve of it but if it is something life saving then what choice do I have? He corrected himself and apologized for not realizing that I was married.

To be continued…

I

Weight Loss: Back to Yoga

As my cycling adventure did not go well and physical trainer won’t train me till doc gives clearance, I have decided to go back to yoga. I showed up again for advanced yoga but they politely informed me that I should probably go to beginner’s class. I asked them why would I do any such thing when I performed fairly well in my last class. They told me that elderly woman that I knocked down is threatening to litigate if I am ever allowed in same class as her. To be honest I did not expect such cunning and cruelty from a senior citizen. But what can one do?

I decided to start at the bottom and rise through the ranks with hard work all the way again to advanced class, so I can confront that cunning elderly. I signed up for a beginner’s class. The only positive was they had also demoted equally unfit, pregnant woman’s hubby with me. I think he must be entered in some record books. He probably is the first guy in history who was not able to do things that his very advanced pregnant wife was doing.

This class was dream come true. All I had to do was to lie down, control my breathing and relax. This was great. I was so relaxed that I fell asleep. Unfortunately no one else could due to me and my buddy’s snoring.

After this there was a demonstration for healthy cooking. This was a very depressing activity. All they had were green vegetables and Tofu. The women giving demonstration was one of those patronizing types who kept on asking such questions as, ” What do green vegetables have? Why should we eat them?”

If this was not bad enough, there was also a very annoying woman who kept on asking, “what if I add coriander? What if I add basil”? I swear she was asking it after every single step. To counter this nuisance I also started asking questions like, “What if I add super hot buffalo sauce to salad? What if I add vodka to kale smoothie”?

Eventually they created some kind of food that was supposed to be healthy. The color was fresh vomitus with 100% bile. The smell was type of diarrhea that elderly get when they have been on antibiotics for very long. There was tofu as well. Those of you who have been fortunate enough to never have tasted it, this is something that you get after sleeping with Pamela Anderson if you haven’t taken proper precautions.

I asked them when would we have real food rather than this salad type nonsense. It looks like this WAS the food. I looked at food, yoga types and food again. I asked them if we are celebrating April 1st late. One of them said something as intelligent as how food should nourish the soul. I told them first of all there is no soul that we know of and food has nothing to do with it. It seemed to offend Yoga types a lot. Apparently soul is a big thing for these nutheads. I am afraid this thing might not work for me as well. These phonys are as bad as cycling ones.

Weight Loss- Bicycling (part 3)

cycleSo the ride starts. I am already having problems with this advanced equipment. It has separate gears for front and back tires. I have no clue what 3rd gear in front will do in combination with 12th gear in back. At times it looks like they want to do their own thing. I have gone as high or as low as possible. In the lower gears, it is very easy but you are going at a speed where guys in wheelchair are beating you. If you do high gears, it goes faster but then I changed something and it started making a very weird noise. Frankly I don’t even know what gear I am in.

I have already managed to almost knock down 2 of my group riders. They are trying very hard to stay away from me now. The head honcho is shouting encouragements like “come on boys” to others and “stay on the bike” to me. Either the word has gone around that I am dangerous or they have a lot of respect for me. They are giving me a lot of space.

I am also finding out that these bikes do not have any kind of cushioning or shock absorbers. So if you hit a pothole or pebble, shock waves go through your spinal cord to base of brain. I can’t exactly describe this sensation but it feels like a constant electrocution with low voltage. I am already sweating under the helmet. I am trying to take it off. The head honcho tells me I can’t because we are “safe riders”. I tried to tell him that right now I am more of a sweat drenched and dehydrated rider.

Now there is fairly steep hill approaching. I again try to change gears but somehow I have managed to make it even more sluggish. I am already at the bottom of hill. The bike refuses to move despite my best efforts. I try harder but nothing. My whole group is already uphill. They are shouting encouragement from up there. They are asking me to come up. I am asking them to come down so someone can show me how the heck this thing works. One of them comes down and tells me that I should do something with something and do some more of something and that way it won’t be a problem. I politely asked him if he would be willing to push me uphill while I sit on the bike. He was not very enthused about this. He said something like everybody should ride their own bikes and it is supposed to be an activity. I countered that since he was already here, he would get more exercise if he pushes me. He pretended not to even hear me and ran uphill. I had to push my own bike uphill. So much so for the group!

Now they are worried that they won’t be able to do this route in hour and 13 minutes as they planned. Nobody is saying anything but they obviously blame me for this. I am blaming the kid who sold me this bike, stupid helmet and head honcho. Head Honcho is shouting even more encouragements in that phony British accent. I still have no idea what am I doing or supposed to do.

I told them that we should all relax as it is just a stupid bicycle ride. May be we are looking like uptight arses and that’s why lot of motorists hate cyclists. Apparently I have offended them great deal by calling this passionate activity stupid. I told them I am turning back. Since I didn’t want to sound like a quitter, I told them that I am disappointed in them, their phony accents and their unwillingness to push me uphill. I think with that dramatic outburst my cycling career is over.

Weight loss-Bicycling for fitness

cyclingAs my physical trainer refused to train me till I get the clearance from my doctor, I am stuck. I never realized that getting an appointment with doctor for a full physical is this challenging. I do have a regular primary care doctor. I haven’t seen him for years. His office used to call me, send e-mails and letters but they eventually gave up.

In the meantime, I saw a flyer for anyone with “reasonable” fitness to join a bicycling group. I consider myself reasonably fit despite what physical trainer thinks. I called them and they told me to meet them for a “quick ride” next day.

I might have rushed into this a little too quickly. I don’t even have a bicycle. Luckily there is a full service bike shop around where I live. I went there and told them that I am planning to join a group (there is something good about saying that you are joining a group. I bet that’s why terrorists, racists and religious extremists form them). It turns out that there is a whole world to cycling. The kid working there asked me so many questions; I was feeling like a war criminal.

Why do you want to bike?

It’s a long story. But if you must know my physical trainer will not train me till my doc sees me. My doc can’t see me for days and my life coach is a drug dealer.

Do you plan to bike every day?

No, that would be crazy.

What is your biking philosophy and style?

It is simple; to not fall down.

Do you plan to use it as an exercise or as a lifestyle?

What does that even mean?

Will you do road, off-road, dirt or mountain? Drop-bar or flat bar?

I am just trying to be fit, I am not suicidal.

Will I be doing cross-country or uphill?

Hopefully only downhill!

Would you be riding to work?

Again I am not suicidal.

Then we started to look at bikes. Some of these were as expensive as used cars. Would I prefer 16 gears with .75 tires, carbon fiber frame or am I more in Italian bikes? Do I have shoes? Do I have proper gear? Do you have a bike carrier on your car? This thing is insane. I have been here for 45 minutes and I am no closer to finding anything. I told the kid to do what he thinks is best for me. Just make sure I have everything.

We took some bikes out to try. These things are very uncomfortable. By the time I positioned myself, my butt was almost at the same level as my head. There is something inherently wrong with any activity where your butt is at the same level as your head. Kid has finally decided what bike is good for me. This is a 16 gear, 1.25 inch, aluminum frame with carbon fiber chassis or something like that. He gets so excited talking about these bikes I wonder if he is sleeping with them at night.

Now he wants to fit me with bicycling gear. I will need a helmet, shirt, bicycling shorts, clip on shoes, a water bottle carrier and god knows what else. He also wants to put rear view mirrors on bike so that I can see if a competitor is gaining on me. It looks like he has way more faith in my abilities than myself.

cycling1 I tell you this bicycling gear is fun. They have these shirts with all kind of logos. I always thought some of these snobs who are riding have some kind of sponsorship and they are professionals. Apparently anyone can buy these shirts. The shorts are real tight and have some thick cushioning which ..brings out lot of bulges. In fact I am impressed with myself. Now I know why these jerks are always stopping at Starbucks. Because you are never going to look so “big” in any other type of shorts.  To be continued….

My Physical Trainer

PTFinally I have a trainer. After my disastrous entry in world of Yoga, I have realized Gym might be better. I must say now I firmly believe that matches are either made in heaven or in gym. I have seen this dude working out with people and he looks like a fairly relaxed guy. So I felt that my motivation levels might match his levels.

I approached him. But this time I did not want to make same mistake as I did with last trainer. I made sure that I should not leave any doubt that I am a very motivated and disciplined type person. I had read somewhere that if you keep on repeating same word again and again, you are more likely to be believed.

PT: You want to work out with me?

Me: I am very motivated.

PT: That’s great! How many times a week do you want to work out?

Me: I am so motivated that I might want to work out all 7 days a week. But since I have to work and you probably have things to do, maybe we can do once a week.

PT: I will suggest at least three times a week.

Me: Absolutely, 3 is better than 1.

PT: What kind of diet do you want to follow?

Me: I am so motivated that I might not eat/drink anything except protein bars and shakes. Is that ok with you.

So far he seems to believe every word that I say. I can always make excuses to cut it down to once a week once he accepts me. He asked me to follow him. We walked to rear end of the gym. He asked me to take my clothes off. I told him that I am flattered but I am not into these kinds of things. He gave me a hurt look (could have been a puzzled look). “How am I going to measure you then”? This is getting awkward real fast.

Me: Oh..I am so sorry. I hope you did not think…..

PT: No! No! It is not my role to judge.

Me: No! Oh my God! No..I thought you were….

PT: Jesus! No..I have many friends who are…oh god…I will never judge anyone..

Me: Me too. I will die or go on a diet before judging…(in a panic and thinking how can I revive the situation) It is nothing new for me. People ask me to take my clothes all the time. (shut up now. you can only make it worse). I am sure you also take your clothes off all the time. Ha-ha (SHUT UP NOW).

PT: No, in fact nobody does. Remember, I am a Physical trainer not an exotic dancer.

Now this whole thing has a very strange feel to it. Did he think I think he is…Did he think? He tells me he respects all his clients regardless. I told him I hardly respect anyone (why did you have to say that). I mean I respect physical trainers regardless (please shut up now).

I think everything is going well. He then drops a bomb. “When did you see your regular doc last time”? Where is this son of a gun going with this one? I told him that I frankly don’t believe in going to doctors. My Grandfather lived till 94 and the only reason he lived so long was that he never went to a doctor. “I will need a clearance from your doctor. It looks like you have been living a very sedentary life.” I told him that I walk up one flight of stairs every morning, all 9 stairs. He does not want to hear anything.

So, now this is a big cluster fu**. I need to see a doctor to be able to work out with second physical trainer after being rejected by first. I am clearly not cut out for Yoga and my life coach is a drug dealer. I am living the freaking dream.   To be continued…

 

Weight Loss- My Experiments with Yoga

yogaAfter my misadventures with gym, physical trainer and life coach I have decided to cast a bigger net. I saw a flyer in mail for a yoga place. I carefully studied it. This is something that I feel is made for me. It offered “our mindful meditation classes are 30-45 min sessions and includes a light yoga , a mindful reading with then 20 mins of quiet”. I did not understand the whole thing but it looks like a lot of lying down doing nothing. This is my kind of thing. I immediately signed up.

I arrived at Yoga center. It was filled with Yoga types with yoga pants, workout mats, water bottles etc. I off course arrived completely unprepared. Yoga types are kind people though. They gave me a mat and some towels. I asked them where do I have to sleep so we can have this thing done super-fast. The yoga types just smiled.

Within 5 minutes I realized that there is something wrong. This is not definitely anything they described. I might have signed up for “advanced Vinyasa Flow” which seems like hard-core stuff. They have also increased room temperature to 80. Rather than “light yoga stretch, a mindful reading with then 20 mins of quiet” that I was expecting this was “torture you to death in artificially heated hell”. I asked them to lower the temperature. This got me a stare from everybody. Apparently this temperature is intentional. Is anybody sane in here?

I must say these Yoga types are insane. They were doing kind of things that I would not wish upon my worst enemy. I was also out of sync with pretty much everyone else. Even pregnant women seem to be doing better than me. My only solace was another dude (class was 85% females) who seemed to have been dragged here by his pregnant wife. He was in absolute bad shape. Unfortunately he was right in front of me. This means every time we bent or something I was looking straight at his butt crack. This was adding more to overall nausea inducing environment. But at least I have someone to look down upon and judge. The whole class kept on giving us this look “why are you here”?

I must apologize to all those, in whom I bumped into while doing some of these poses, especially to the elderly lady who fell down. She was very gracious though. She only cursed me couple of times. To be honest, half the time I was close to passing out. My ego won’t let me quit either. I was also fairly paranoid. I feel these Yoga types had intentionally changed my classes to torture me. Who knew that these yoga types could be so malicious?

At times they ask you to hold a pose and think about something pleasant. This must be a joke. I am almost passing out, looking at a butt crack and trying to hang on to last ounces of my dignity. All I can think about is how to make through next 60 seconds. I am also daydreaming about some kind of a twisted world in which I am the instructor and these people have to do what I ask them to do.