As my cycling adventure did not go well and physical trainer won’t train me till doc gives clearance, I have decided to go back to yoga. I showed up again for advanced yoga but they politely informed me that I should probably go to beginner’s class. I asked them why would I do any such thing when I performed fairly well in my last class. They told me that elderly woman that I knocked down is threatening to litigate if I am ever allowed in same class as her. To be honest I did not expect such cunning and cruelty from a senior citizen. But what can one do?
I decided to start at the bottom and rise through the ranks with hard work all the way again to advanced class, so I can confront that cunning elderly. I signed up for a beginner’s class. The only positive was they had also demoted equally unfit, pregnant woman’s hubby with me. I think he must be entered in some record books. He probably is the first guy in history who was not able to do things that his very advanced pregnant wife was doing.
This class was dream come true. All I had to do was to lie down, control my breathing and relax. This was great. I was so relaxed that I fell asleep. Unfortunately no one else could due to me and my buddy’s snoring.
After this there was a demonstration for healthy cooking. This was a very depressing activity. All they had were green vegetables and Tofu. The women giving demonstration was one of those patronizing types who kept on asking such questions as, ” What do green vegetables have? Why should we eat them?”
If this was not bad enough, there was also a very annoying woman who kept on asking, “what if I add coriander? What if I add basil”? I swear she was asking it after every single step. To counter this nuisance I also started asking questions like, “What if I add super hot buffalo sauce to salad? What if I add vodka to kale smoothie”?
Eventually they created some kind of food that was supposed to be healthy. The color was fresh vomitus with 100% bile. The smell was type of diarrhea that elderly get when they have been on antibiotics for very long. There was tofu as well. Those of you who have been fortunate enough to never have tasted it, this is something that you get after sleeping with Pamela Anderson if you haven’t taken proper precautions.
I asked them when would we have real food rather than this salad type nonsense. It looks like this WAS the food. I looked at food, yoga types and food again. I asked them if we are celebrating April 1st late. One of them said something as intelligent as how food should nourish the soul. I told them first of all there is no soul that we know of and food has nothing to do with it. It seemed to offend Yoga types a lot. Apparently soul is a big thing for these nutheads. I am afraid this thing might not work for me as well. These phonys are as bad as cycling ones.