Weight Loss- My Experiments with Yoga

yogaAfter my misadventures with gym, physical trainer and life coach I have decided to cast a bigger net. I saw a flyer in mail for a yoga place. I carefully studied it. This is something that I feel is made for me. It offered “our mindful meditation classes are 30-45 min sessions and includes a light yoga , a mindful reading with then 20 mins of quiet”. I did not understand the whole thing but it looks like a lot of lying down doing nothing. This is my kind of thing. I immediately signed up.

I arrived at Yoga center. It was filled with Yoga types with yoga pants, workout mats, water bottles etc. I off course arrived completely unprepared. Yoga types are kind people though. They gave me a mat and some towels. I asked them where do I have to sleep so we can have this thing done super-fast. The yoga types just smiled.

Within 5 minutes I realized that there is something wrong. This is not definitely anything they described. I might have signed up for “advanced Vinyasa Flow” which seems like hard-core stuff. They have also increased room temperature to 80. Rather than “light yoga stretch, a mindful reading with then 20 mins of quiet” that I was expecting this was “torture you to death in artificially heated hell”. I asked them to lower the temperature. This got me a stare from everybody. Apparently this temperature is intentional. Is anybody sane in here?

I must say these Yoga types are insane. They were doing kind of things that I would not wish upon my worst enemy. I was also out of sync with pretty much everyone else. Even pregnant women seem to be doing better than me. My only solace was another dude (class was 85% females) who seemed to have been dragged here by his pregnant wife. He was in absolute bad shape. Unfortunately he was right in front of me. This means every time we bent or something I was looking straight at his butt crack. This was adding more to overall nausea inducing environment. But at least I have someone to look down upon and judge. The whole class kept on giving us this look “why are you here”?

I must apologize to all those, in whom I bumped into while doing some of these poses, especially to the elderly lady who fell down. She was very gracious though. She only cursed me couple of times. To be honest, half the time I was close to passing out. My ego won’t let me quit either. I was also fairly paranoid. I feel these Yoga types had intentionally changed my classes to torture me. Who knew that these yoga types could be so malicious?

At times they ask you to hold a pose and think about something pleasant. This must be a joke. I am almost passing out, looking at a butt crack and trying to hang on to last ounces of my dignity. All I can think about is how to make through next 60 seconds. I am also daydreaming about some kind of a twisted world in which I am the instructor and these people have to do what I ask them to do.

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