John Doe’s Psychoanalysis

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I still have a sitter who is monitoring me 1:1 in case I run away and start humping Petunias again. At this time I am not sure which of my organs are alive, dead, partially working, hibernating or ready for donation. I have been here for 24 hours and I am not sure if I need to donate organs or need organs.

There is another gentleman who has just entered my room now. He comes in, looks around, walks out and then comes in again. He repeats this whole cycle again. He seems to be in some kind of agony (only later did I realize that he always looks same). He has somewhat of a strange disposition. He is balding in front, has long hairs in the back, has earrings, purple shirt and a flowery tie. Either he was a hippy or trying to be one in reverse. His glasses and pants both seem to be falling down at the same time. He tries to balance them alternately. He is also carrying some hundreds of loose papers.

He told me he was here to help me. He would be my Psychiatrist. I told him I would be his Neurosurgeon. He got very puzzled. He showed me his I.D. He really was a Psychiatrist. After this he pulled out one sheet from hundreds of loose papers.

P: Can you tell me about your childhood? What are your memories? How was your relationship with your parents? How was your relationship with your siblings? Were you married? Are you married? Are you single? Are you divorced? Are you in a relationship now?

P: Are you sexually active?

Me: I feel lucky if I can find the damn things to pee on cold days.

P: Have you been attracted to men?

Me: No, just to my TV.

P: Do you have any fetishes? Why were you being intimate with Petunias?

Me: Because I could not find any Lilacs. Are you married doc?

P: Yes, I am! In fact I just got met someone last year and married her. I have 4 children.

Me: How is that possible?

P: They are all her children. She was a patient of mine. Two of her children were patients of mine as well.

Me: But isn’t that unethical?

P: It would be if she continued to be my patient. But she fired me. Her children also fired me. We met 6 months later in “run for kleptomania” and got married. We both even did not remember that we were doctor and patient.

Me: That’s strangest story I have ever heard.

P: I know it’s kind of romantic. She’s also 18 years older than me. In fact her oldest son and me are exactly same age. Is that not a coincidence?

Me: What do I have? What is your plan for me?

P: Well you have early dementia with depression, deviant sexual behavior with impulse control issues and possible anti-social personality disorder. Off course there could be an organic or metabolic underlying condition as we are not done with all testing.

Me: How do you plan to treat me?

P: Just like everyone else. We will start with one anti-depressant, one sedating anti-depressant and one anti-anxiety medication. As these will make you sleepy, I will start you on a stimulant. As stimulant can increase your BP, I will ask Cardiologist to start you on anti BP medication. If you go into a maniac phase with anti-depressant, I will start you on Lithium. If Lithium cannot control it, I will start Olanzapine. If Olanzapine make you too depressed, I will add another anti-depressant. If that makes you more sleepy, I will add another stimulant.

Me: Are you serious? That’s like at least 3 more pills on top of 6 that Cardiologist has me on.

P: These medications are not just for acute improvement. They cut down your suicide risk from 13.6% to 9.8% over next 10 years.

Me: Oh God! I just don’t want to live in this crazy world anymore.

P: (loudly) He is suicidal! Restrain him! Bring the sitter back!

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