John Doe gets an overall!

I have been in ICU for only 3 hours and there is a line of visitors forming outside. The first one is a guy who wants to take more blood to do “morning labs”. I told him that I have already given blood multiple times for all kind of tests. He told me that those were “admission labs” and now we need “morning labs”.

The next in line is X-ray guy. He wants to take an x-ray of chest as I am in ICU and I would need a “daily X-Ray”. There is a Respiratory therapist who wants to see if my oxygen can be lowered. This is followed by Physical therapist and Occupation therapist. It is not even 8 AM yet. My nursing assistant comes in now to do new shift “vitals”. She pleasantly informs me that I have been urinating well and my bag is full of golden-colored urine. She is going to report this wonderful development to Nurse who will come in. But first she would check my rectal temperature.

My “Hospitalist” comes in now. This is a different guy. I asked him what happened to guy from last night. He told me that he was a Nocturnist. “So he is not a doctor!” Oh..he is but he only works at night. I feel bad for Nocturnist. He must have some kind of a rare disease that he can only work at night. He tells me about the parade of doctor who will be passing by today.

I ask him who is the person sitting in my room. She is a sitter. We are monitoring you 1:1 as you were running around naked and the whole Petunia thing…Again he goes over the plan for the day. I will be visited by Cardiologist for possible heart disease, Nephrologist for possible kidney disease, Pulmonologist for “spots” on my lungs, Urologist for Melon sized prostate, Neurologist for falling, Psychiatrist for running around naked and trying to hump Petunias, Gastroenterologist and Surgeon for Gallbladder and stones and Hematologist for “abnormal” normal white cell counts.

I will also undergo an Ultrasound of kidneys and bladder, an Echocardiogram of my heart, some blood tests to rule out any Autoimmune diseases and assessment of my swallowing capabilities. They are leaving no stones unturned to find out “why I was running naked and trying to hump Petunias”.

In the meantime I will be continued on iv fluids, 3 antibiotics in case there is an infection somewhere, one medicine to protect development of GI ulcers, another medication to prevent clot formation, Aspirin for possible heart attack, something called Haldol to treat any more episodes of me running around naked, Lorazepam for agitation or sleeplessness, Flumazenil if I get too sleepy with Lorazepam. I am very impressed that they even have a plan to deal with possible side effects of possible medication that I might need possibly.

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