After recovering from the trauma of knowing my own weight, I decided that it was time to take action. First thing I did was to put my clothes back on. I know what I need to do. Apparently all I have to do is eat right and exercise. Frankly speaking, both of them are fairly depressing options. But sometimes you have to do what you don’t want to do. I also went through “American thing” of blaming everyone else for my weight gain. These included abundant food, Internet, cars, attached car garages, aggressive food marketing and Madonna. I don’t know why I blamed her but I did. I was in that kind of mood. I am dangerous.
I might have to change my lifestyle a bit as well. Apparently eating unhealthy food, not exercising and spending long periods of time in bed makes you gain weight. I tried making a list of things that I will have to give up. These include burgers, fries, chips, ice cream, gulab jamun, paratha, chat, brownies, cookies, milk shakes….eventually I got tired and wrote “everything that is good”.
I went to fruit and vegetable section of whole foods. I was stuck by how many types of vegetables are there in this world. Not a single one of them looked remotely interesting. I asked the guy working there if they have a vegetable that is super healthy but tastes like chicken wings with extra buffalo sauce. He was very nice. Nice in the way that people are to mentally challenged people. I also asked him why everything that is supposed to be good is in boring green. He just smiled this time. I asked him does it matter if one eats veggies or just eats a veggie Pizza. This time he excused himself and just went away. This vegetable stuff is very nausea inducing for me. It is like trying to get a healthy heaven by nose-diving through a sewer.
I decided to go to gym regularly. As usual gym is full with people who are full of life and sometimes steroids. You have your usual Hulks lifting some inhuman amount of weight, women doing stretches so intense that I feel the pain, dudes who are like “totally awesome” and 85-year-old who has already beaten life expectancy to a pulp and seem to be planning for another 85 years.
The “type” I felt an immediate connection though was TV watchers. These brethren come to gym everyday and by some miracle have still not lost a single pound. You can see them rooted on the same bench watching TV every time you walk around. I wonder if some of these guys are there just to be away from their wives.
I have decided to break in gently. This means walking on a treadmill at a leisurely speed of 1 mile/hr. This allows one to watch TV without any distraction. I thought it was a great exercise but I will have to walk almost 2 hours to burn a skimmed latte. This is getting depressing by the minute.
Meanwhile right next to my treadmill is an elderly looking woman who is running at some insane speed. I am convinced that either she is an alien or a super-mutant. She gives me an encouraging smile and I give her kind of smile that you give to a super-mutant.