Pakistan Airlines Wants You

Pakistan Airlines recently advertised for Pilots. This is a copy of the ad:

We are looking for well-trained and motivated pilots. If you qualify, we provide you with following benefits:

-Free unlimited flights for your families. The free seats though first will be offered to army forces and their families, MP’s/MNC’s and their families.

-Full salary when government can afford it.

-Free meals (though you cannot cook any more in a flight).

-Once you achieve seniority, you might be able to earn a salary and pension both at same time.

If you “live” long enough, you will be eligible for promotions. These exciting opportunities will include driving a General’s vehicle and flying wedding party of PM’s family members.

The job, no doubt is challenging. It is not easy being shot at by our own when you are landing at Peshawar airport (Yes, Peshawar does have an airport), being slapped around by drunk generals and flight control taken over by their obnoxious children. But with our world-class, lick-ass training you will “fly”.

Company’s future is rock solid. We have a fleet of 22 “active”, 36 “inactive” and 42 missing planes. We have a staff of 36000 to take care of just planes. We have the world’s highest staff to paying passenger ratio. No other Airline can brag about 382 staff members to fly 1 passenger. Air India and Malaysia airlines were our only competitors but with our hard work we have left them behind.

There is absolutely no fear of privatization. The government has been trying for years and we are proud to inform you that not even a single company has ever responded.

The job requirements are as following:

-You should know both take off and landing. Simply knowing how to take off is no more acceptable.

-The diplomas from your own Madrassas are not acceptable.

-If you are chosen, you will fly domestic only. Pakistan citizens are not allowed to fly International as all of our pilots from last batch took political asylum in other countries and 10 of the planes are still missing.

– You will not be allowed to smuggle heroine, weapons, people, gold, iphones or any other phones. No amount of Heroine will be allowed (previous 1/2 kg allowance has been abolished).

You should have sound temper. You cannot threaten or throw passengers from a flying plane. We do take such complaints seriously and you might lose a day’s pay. You also cannot celebrate staff’s birthday by firing inside plane. The dropping of packages from plane for your family is strictly banned.

If a war breaks out, you will be immediately promoted to Wing Commander (OF-4) and your plane will be labelled as “fighter jet” (it will be same plane). You cannot go on strike during war times.

The application of US $25 is firm and non-negotiable. Pakistani rupee, like anywhere else in world is non acceptable. Please do not photocopy dollar bills. We know how they look.

The fee is payable in cash only. Sheep, goat, dead camel or your niece’s hand in marriage is not acceptable.

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