John Doe- in ER

I was brought to ER where I was taken over by a new set of hands. The team A that brought me presented my case to team B. My running around naked and trying to hump a bed of Petunias was mentioned in detail. I was poked and probed some more. They already had me on oxygen but now they put a mask on my face to give me even more oxygen. They put stickies on my chest and something in my privates. I can’t remember what else was placed on as everybody was trying to do something to me at the same time.

They had so many people in room that I started to believe I was the sickest patient in world at this time. They drew more blood but were giving me IimageV fluids to replace it. They took my urine sample and I was afraid they would ask for a stool sample as well. I must say they were thorough in trying to find diseases hidden in the remotest corner of body. They checked me for heart disease, kidney diseases, liver diseases, low blood counts, electrolytes, pneumonia and urinary infection. If these tests did not give them desired results, they were going to scan my head to look for stroke, bleed, cut off blood supply to brain and tumor. If that still did not work they were going to go all the way to MRI to find out “why I was running around naked”.

They wanted to know if I knew where I was. They wanted to know what the date/month and year was. They lifted the mask from my face and before I could answer they let the mask go. They wanted to know who the president was but before I could answer they let mask go again. They decided I was confused but possibly demented. They wanted to check my blood for alcohol and urine for drugs (this confused me a great deal. If someone wanted to use drugs why would they put it there). My blood pressure was low but not too low. My oxygen levels were suspicious. My temperature was neither too cold nor too hot but it was not a rectal temperature. So no one could be sure. I had a strong intuition about what was coming next!

After this they came with impressive equipment and informed me that I will have a chest x-ray to look for “stuff” and x-ray of abdomen to look for more stuff. If they could not find “stuff” they will put me in an even bigger machine to find out more stuff. They asked me if I understood and they lifted my mask but before I could say anything they let it snap back on. “We are sorry that you are confused”.

Finally doctor came in. “I am afraid that foreign body in your rectum will require surgical removal”. The nurse quickly whispered something in his ear. “I am sorry I didn’t realize that you are the one who was running naked and trying to hump Petunias”. I am relieved that at least I am doing better than guy with something stuck in his rectum.

Finally “my” doctor showed up. This guy had an expression on his face that either someone was going to die or already has died. I wonder if Hospitals have certain doctors just to give bad news.

“He is confused anyway. He won’t remember anything”. At this time I thought I should make myself heard. So I tried to reach for the mask. “He is trying to take off mask, restraint him quickly!” Before I could say anything they restrained me…by putting my hands in belt buckles. Now I am in a position where I can’t move, can’t breath and can’t speak because of the mask but thank god I was constantly peeing because I had the luxury of having a tube in my bladder. Not to mention they have managed to check temperature of my rectum which apparently will go a long way towards my complete healing.

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